things are startin to fall apart for me again; dad's back in the hospital from ang mo kio rehab; feelin that im not doin good enough for vball; friends. lets see why, aites.

wel the first thing, yes my dad. i just went to visit him and his face just lit up like he never did before. he said he was feeling rly ironic at this point and when i asked him why he said smthng that made me cry. he said he felt ironic becos even if he left he'd be contented becos he knows we're gonna do wel and handle things right in our lives but yet he stil feels a sense of unwillingness to leave, that he prays to God to give him more time to spend with us but to take him away peacefully when his time comes. i cried. i couldnt help it. he cried too and squeezed my hand tight. for the first time, i felt afraid. afraid of losing someone who's so dear to me. before i left, i kissed him goodbye on the cheek. becos i fear. it may be the last time i have the chance to do so. is this a punishment ? is this karma ? if God knows my dad is in pain, if God hears my prayers evry day and night for my whole family and especially my dad to stay safe, healthy and happy together, then why is this happening. why is this so.

and to add on to these, its vball thats makin me nuts. im prolly too anxious but its true and yu guys kno it that vball just aint a piece of cake for me, it just aint. im trying and im trying so hard but oh i cant see a difference does anyone see an improvement no i dont think so no one does yes thats right. ]'x

and as if these still aint enough, its friends. prolly cos of the pms im gettin, it gets me rly hot tempered recently. i can just flare for noshit and at absolute nothingness like argh i know and im tryin to get things straightened out before i flare aites so evryone if i flare at yu im rly sorry i dont think i mean it please forgive me aye. :

yeah. so many other things actually. if i listed them all out i'll prolly die of insanity seeing all these problematic shitstuff im having at this point. and yeah, CHAAAAAN, do tk cr dearie, stay happyspasretardedsweeeeetcuteandsmiling, always. :D yeah and yu saw it on yor tagboard yorself, see how many more people care than yu think so (:

"as i mend my wings, i cry in pain being reminded of the memories we once shared." im getting over it, hopefully for good but i stil feel the pain and hurt sometimes so please dont think im not gettin over it wel i am, so there. and to those people whom i told i'm fine yes so maybe i aint totally alright but im taking one step at a time to piece my soul back. i never lost my faith tho i rly felt like throwing it away once but i couldnt bring myself to do it, prolly becos of the promise i made to him, the promises i made to al my friends to never lose the faith im keepin deep down inside of me. i wanted to delete those mails he once sent, to delete the history of the msgs we once had online that stil makes me smile sometimes (: but i couldnt bring myself to do it either and this time for no dumb reason i dontkno why please dont ask why i dontkno. if i stil love yu at least i kno im taking my heart back, sadly i kno but yes im takin it back and reviving the dead me each time. sometimes i stil hope he knows how im doing and al, sometimes i just feel like giving him a call to ask how he's been doing, sometimes i rly wish hes stil here for me, sometimes it hurts alot when i picture him walking with her, away from me. sometimes i just wish i dont have to refer to the time those memories (presently memories) that happened between us as "once"-